life, sweet like candi

writing // life // k-pop

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[…Disorder Speculation…]

the above picture is a creation of Shawn Coss, Cyanide and Happiness background artist/character designer/writer/artist. Co founder of

anxiety i try to hide,

feelings of despair i try to control


bipolar is not my crutch,

bipolar is a part of me


depression is not simply sadness,

depression is so much more


these three things i have,

but i try not to let them have me


i can feel control slipping away,

the walls around me are closing in

suffocating me, whispering to me

the voicecs want in, they want control


will they overtake me? or

can i keep them at bay?


are the hell hounds at my door?

quoting the raven, never more?


time has no meaning

light fades into black

music is muffled in the background

someone is waiting for an attack


the shadows wait to ambush me.

will i let them? or will they overtake me?

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the passage of time

comes and goes of its own will


we merely exist inside it

surviving the best that we can


emotions are daily things

that drain us of time and energy


there are those of us that are /normal/

and there are those of us that are /not/


mental illness affects /about/ 2/3 of the population

and everyone treats it as if it’s not real


“your not depressed, your just sad. get over it.”

“you just need to get out more.”


all this does is discourage those of us with

these issues to not talk about them at all

which can be worse for everyone around us

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all the anxiety inside me

emotions, time, and needs

all rolled into one


determination above all else

love, energy, and rest


noise gives way to anger

regret and negativity

growing distant with every passing day

senses dulled by medications

sleep never coming


oblivious to apathy

wanting the same thing


to be  HOME


unknown assailants waiting

for the lights to dim on another day

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the air turns cooler

leaves change color and fall

hunting season arrives full force


deer appear in large numbers

some with foals, some without

mating season is upon us


hoodies, jackets, and sweaters

your time has arrived

time to take you from storage

that time of year just perfect for you


chilly breezes, perfect for walking

even outdoor chores don’t seem a bore

searchin’ for a reason to be outside


perfect for snugglin’, cuddlin’

fires, flames dancin’


hot cocoa with tiny marshmallows

like tiny clouds in a sea of milk chocolate


a time for family, friends, and traditions,

pumpkins, turkeys, ghosts, witches abound!

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children playing

a baby crying


phone ringing constantly

music playing faintly in the background



sounds of life

sounds of a parent


sounds of anyone really


visit a local mall

anytime during summer

and you will hear the

same thing along with

smells of food haunting

you from the food court

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anxiously i wait for the day

that you can return to me


it is taking too long

i need to have you

by my side again


i feel so lost inside

i feel so hopeless and alone


i need you to save me

please come and save me


i feel i will drown

without your love


i know i will drown

without my stable rock


my anxiety is killing me inside,


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visit after visit, week after week

we drive 300 miles away to see him


i cannot wait until the day he

comes home for good


i miss his smile, i miss his hugs

i miss his silly laugh, i miss his game playing


my joseph, my son


without you or your brother

i am lost and without a beacon


listlessly i go to work,

mechanically i eat sleep, and tend house


my phone remains silent except

for when my mother calls me


i long to hear your voice on the phone,

i long to have you home again


the new house is too silen without you


i wish i could take you home today….


I love you!

— Mommy